Group Therapy: Lord of the Rings
by G. Zuss
Summary: Arenia Nerawen style. Rated for mild language.


**Group Therapy**

**Version: Lord of the Rings**

_We enter a shabby, run-down room in the middle of a psychiatric center. Nineteen people are seated in a circle within the room, which is painted in cheerful colors and decorated with lots of happy, flowery things. In the middle of the circle is a woman, dressed professionally, with glasses on and a notebook ready in her hand. She looks rather puzzled, and a little alarmed, for the other eighteen people are dressed strangely to her. In her mind, she wonders if she has been transported back to England in the Middle Ages. This woman is a therapist, and the other eighteen people are actually characters from Lord of the Rings. _

**Therapist: **So, we're here today to discuss your problems as a group. A Miss…Nerawen enrolled you in this program?  
**Gandalf: **We know of no such woman.  
**Group: **-nods in agreement-  
**Therapist: **Well…she specifically described all of you. So, at any rate, whether you know her or not, she is concerned for your mental well-being. Therefore, we need to get right down to the bottom of what's bothering all of you. To start, we'll need to admit our problems. So, who wants to go first?  
**Frodo: **-timidly- I…I shall.  
**Therapist: **Go right on ahead, then.  
**Frodo: **H-hello. I'm Frodo Baggins. I-  
**Therapist**: Hold on a minute! Everyone is supposed to greet the person who is speaking. So, everyone say "Hi Frodo!"  
**Group:** …HI FRODO!  
**Frodo:** Hello. My problem, I believe…well, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die.  
**Therapist:** Why is that?  
**Frodo:** I-I'm on a quest to destroy the Ring of Power.  
**Sauron:** SO IT'S YOU! YOU, YOU ACCURSED HOBBIT! I SHALL SMITE YOU WITH MY WRATH! -picks up mace- GIVE ME THE RING!  
**Frodo: **NOOOOO!  
**Therapist: **PUT THAT MACE DOWN! -stands up and snatches it out of Sauron's hands, flinging it out the window- VIOLENCE IS NOT TOLERATED IN THIS GROUP!  
**Sauron: **-grumbles in the Black Speech as he sits back down-  
**Therapist:** Thank you. Now, would the next person please go.  
**Sam: **-stands- I'm Sam, Samwise Gamgee.  
**Group: **Hullo, Sam!  
**Sam:** And I…-shameful glance at Frodo- I endangered my Master's life for a box of salt.  
**Group: **GASP! -muttered insults are heard-  
**Sam:** -blushes and sits back down-  
**Gollum:** -crawls into circle from under chair- Smeagol we iss, yesss precious.  
**Group: **-glares- We know.  
**Gollum:** Smeagol isss tortured by the Precious, yessss…we iss wanting to kill the hobbits! Curse them, curse them! -begins hacking-  
**Therapist:** So…you're bipolar, schizophrenic, and homicidal? -looking at Gollum in fear, wondering just what he is-  
**Gollum:** Yesssssss.  
**Therapist:** Umm…I see. -slips collar around Gollum's neck and chains him to chair- And now we're good! Next person, please.  
**Gandalf:** I am Gandalf the White, come back unto this earth until my task is done. I go by many names, but to most, I am Gandalf or Mithrandir.  
**Group:** HI GANDALF!  
**Gandalf:** -sigh- It has come to my attention that I cannot control my anger, and…I hate you, Peregrin Took, you fool!  
**Pippin:** -shrinks back in chair-  
**Therapist:** Enough, Gandalf! Hate is a strong word.  
**Gandalf:** Hmph. -coughs and sits down-  
**Aragorn:** -quiet voice- _Mae govannen_, my friends.  
**Legolas, Elrond, Galadriel, and Celeborn:** _Mae govannen_, Elessar.  
**Non-elvish group members: **UMMM WHAT? SPEAK COMMON!  
**Aragorn:** I am sorry. Greetings. I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn.  
**Legolas:** -proudly- And heir to the throne of Gondor.  
**Aragorn:** -bows head- Yes, Legolas. –pause- It has become clear that I have commitment issues-  
**Eowyn:** -muttering- I wish I would've known _that_ earlier...  
**Therapist:** SHHHH! -staring at Aragorn and trying not to drool- Go on, Aragorn.  
**Aragorn:** -head still bowed- I also have issues with self-esteem. But most importantly, and somewhat disturbingly…Half the women of this world find me extremely attractive, and stare often.  
**Arenia Nerawen:** -shouts from open window- WELL, IT'S HARD NOT TO!  
**Therapist:** What the hell? Where did you come from? -runs over and slams window-  
**Arenia Nerawen:** -cackles and runs away-  
**Therapist:** -sits back down, looking disturbed- Anyway…  
**Legolas:** -stands- I am Legolas Thranduilion, and I hail from the forest of Mirkwood.  
**Group:** HI LEGOLAS!  
**Legolas:** I have the same problem as Aragorn. Everyone seems to find me attractive.  
**Arenia Nerawen and another random fangirl:** OH MY GOD IT'S LEGOLAS! -fangirlish screams- WE LOVE YOU! MARRY US LEGOLAS!  
**Legolas:** -frightened look-  
**Therapist:** -whips out gun- I know how to handle you people.  
**Arenia Nerawen:** …NEVER FORGET US, LEGOLAS! -grabs the fangirl and runs-  
**Therapist:** -rolls eyes and sits down- Continue, Legolas.  
**Legolas:** My masculinity is being insulted, as well! As Prince of Mirkwood, I-  
**Galadriel:** Perhaps it would not be insulted had you not copied my hairstyle. –smirk-  
**Legolas:** _Labo vi Orodruin! _(Translation: Go jump in Mount Doom!)  
**Galadriel and Legolas: **-proceed to get into a bitch fight, yelling at each other in Sindarin-  
**Therapist:** BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP! Sit down and speak English!  
**Legolas:** What is En-  
**Therapist:** NOW!  
**Legolas:** -hastily sits-  
**Gimli:** -waves axe around- I am Gimli, son of Gloin.  
**Group:** -still kinda freaked out by the elf fight- …HI GIMLI!  
**Gimli:** I cannot see over walls that pointy-eared princeling over there can! I also have reckless, life-threatening tendencies.  
**Therapist:** -shakes head- You people and your tendencies…  
**Merry:** -waves after biting into apple- I'm Meriadoc Brandybuck, but you can call me Merry.  
**Group:** HI MERRY!  
**Merry:** Well, I…I'm too short to kill the orcs and fight with my friends! And I…-small voice- I have a bit of a fetish with carrots…  
**Therapist:** -hastily stifles laughter-  
**Merry:** -sends the therapist a strange look before sitting down-  
**Pippin:** -stands up- I'm Peregrin Took, but call me Pippin or Pip.  
**Group:** HI PIPPIN!  
**Arenia Nerawen:** -from other window- HE'S SO CUTE!!  
**Therapist:** -splutters- Wha-WE'RE ON THE EIGHTH FLOOR! HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?!  
**Arenia Nerawen:** It's MAGIC. Speaking of that, you're counseling the Harry Potter people in fifteen minutes. I suggest you hurry this lot up.  
**Therapist.** Right, thanks.  
**Arenia Nerawen:** No problem. -floats on to next room-  
**Pippin:** …Anyway, I'm pretty much liable to be killed in this mission…quest…thing.  
**Merry:** Again, where is the intelligence?  
**Pippin:** -sends him a look before sitting-  
**Saruman:** -stands, speaking evilly- I am Saruman the White.  
**Group:** -warily- Hi, Saruman.  
**Gandalf:** -grumbling- More like the muddy brown. in louder voice Having trouble keeping clean after rolling around with the Uruk-Hai, Saruman?  
**Saruman:** If I still yet possessed my staff, I should kill you.  
**Therapist:** NO YOU WOULDN'T! SIT DOWN YOU EVIL SON OF A WHORE!  
**Saruman:** ….-sits obediently-  
**Sauron:** -otherworldly, evil voice- I am Sauron, Dark Lord of Middle Earth.  
**Frodo:** -grumbles- Not if I can help it, you ugly bugger.  
**Sauron:** I have a jewelry fetish, a power fetish, and…-whines- I wish for what the mortals of this earth call Visine!  
**Therapist:** -rolls around laughing-  
**Group:** -watches, alarmed-  
**Sam:** -whispering- Let's go on without her.  
**Frodo:** Yes, let's.  
**Elrond:** -somberly- I am Elrond of Rivendell.  
**Group:** -sighs and motions for him to just keep going, since they are tired of greeting every single person-  
**Elrond:** If I speak the truth, I-I am having an identity crisis. Everyone who sees me calls me 'Smithrond.'  
**Therapist:** -was just about to sit back down; bursts out laughing again, harder than ever-  
**Elrond:** I desire to know who this 'Agent Smith' truly is!  
**Therapist:** -goes into hysterics-  
**Elrond:** …-sighs and sits down, mumbling mutinously in Sindarin-  
**Galadriel:** I am Galadriel, Lady of Light.  
**Gimli:** -smiling dazedly-  
**Galadriel:** I am feared by all on this earth. They call me… 'freaky witch lady.'  
**Therapist:** TEE HEE HEE!  
**Galadriel:** -speaks to her scathingly using her freaky mind powers-  
**Therapist:** …OH MY GOD! THAT'S SCARY! STOP IT OR I'M MEDICATING YOU!  
**Galadriel:** -simply sits-  
**Celeborn:** I am Celeborn of Lothlorien. And I am married to the so-called 'freaky witch lady.'  
**Group:** -murmurs sympathetically-  
**Gimli:** -mutters something about trading with him-  
**Celeborn:** -scoffs and sits-  
**Theoden:** I am Theoden, son of Thengel, king of Rohan.  
**Eomer and Eowyn:** HI UNCLE!  
**Theoden:** -smiles at them- I…I am old, tired, and saddened by the world from whence I came.  
**Gimli:** It's his fault! -points to Saruman- Shoot him, Legolas!  
**Legolas:** -reaches for arrow-  
**Therapist:** THERE WILL BE NO MURDER IN THIS SUPPORT GROUP! I WILL UN-ELF YOU FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY 'POINTY'!  
**Legolas:** -sits primly-  
**Theoden:** -blinks and sits down-  
**Eomer:** I am Eomer of Rohan, and I am…as the people of this earth say…a 'testosterone-ridden arse.'  
**Therapist:** -hastily turns laughter into a cough-  
**Eowyn:** I am Eowyn, sister of Eomer. I wish to fight with the men, but am held back. And furthermore, I cannot pick my husband. looks between Aragorn and Faramir despairingly  
**Arenia Nerawen:** -from window- Hold on a minute! You haven't even MET Faramir yet in the story!  
**Eowyn:** But he's here in _this _world, and now I cannot decide.  
**Arenia Nerawen:** I knew I shouldn't have pulled you out of the story before everything was over…-sighs- Well, great. I've screwed up the whole history of Middle Earth. Good job, Nerawen. -floats off-  
**Therapist:** Riiiiight…And now, last, we have Faramir.  
**Faramir:** -quietly- I am Faramir, son of Denethor.  
**Group:** Hi Faramir. -smiles at him, as he is well-liked-  
**Faramir:** My father hates me, my brother is dead, and I am taking Eowyn from one whom I thought she loved.  
**Eowyn:** It is not true!  
**Faramir:** Very well, then Aragorn, I beg that you forgive me, but I wish to marry Eowyn.  
**Aragorn: **I have never wanted her hand. Arwen Undomiel has my heart.  
**Elrond:** She is going to leave Middle Earth!  
**Aragorn:** She shall not while she still has hope!  
**Elrond:** MY DAUGHTER IS NOT GOING TO DIE BECAUSE OF YOU!  
**Aragorn and Elrond:** -proceed to bicker-  
**Everyone except Galadriel and Celeborn:** -cheer for Aragorn-  
**Legolas:** Why do you not cheer for him?  
**Galadriel:** Why do you presume you may speak to me, Greenleaf?  
**Legolas:** You are just angry because you believe I copied your hair! I care not how you wear yours! I am a great warrior, and you shall fade away into the west!  
**Celeborn:** Do not speak to my wife as such, princeling!  
**Gimli:** Do not speak to my friend as such, you snooty elf!  
**Gimli and Celeborn:** -bicker-  
**Legolas and Galadriel:** -bicker-  
**Eowyn:** -steps in to argue with Elrond on Aragorn's behalf-  
**Faramir:** -supports Eowyn-  
**Theoden:** -supports Eowyn as well-  
**Eomer:** -gets out sword and begins arguing with Elrond when he begins demeaning Eowyn-  
**Saruman:** Fools.  
**Sauron:** Assholes. -has pocketed Ring-  
**Saruman and Sauron:** -slip out the door, unnoticed by all the bickering people-  
**Gollum:** NOOOO! NO, MY PRECIOUS! -launches at Sauron and fights with him for Ring-  
**Saruman:** -whack Gollum and Sauron with the palantir, laughing uproariously-  
**Pippin:** IT'S THE SEEING STONE! -runs after Saruman, intending to steal it-  
**Merry:** NO, PIPPIN! -runs after him-  
**Gandalf:** PEREGRIN TOOK, YOU FOOL! I SHALL TRULY KILL YOU THIS TIME! -strides after Saruman and Pippin-

_Finally, only Frodo and Sam are left, seated by the therapist. All three watch the pandemonium, perplexed. _

**Therapist:** So, tell me…what story are you guys from?  
**Sam:** -proudly- We're from the greatest story of them all, ma'am. According to the people of this world, our books are considered classics, and a movie was made out of them. The movies won many awards, and are renowned throughout the world. We're from The Lord of the Rings.  
**Frodo:** -nods, smiling-  
**Therapist:** Oh, wow…Never seen it.  
**Frodo and Sam:** -gape- -exchange exasperated looks, before getting up and walking out the door-  
**Therapist:** -left to try and regain control of the situation- Well…This sucks…

_In the end, Arenia Nerawen transports all the characters back to their respective places in Middle Earth, and, using her super-duper Harry Potter powers, she modifies their memories so they have no recollection of the time on Earth whatsoever. So, Middle Earth is saved, and all turns out how Tolkien had wished it to be. Funnily enough, the therapist never watched Lord of the Rings, and all lived happily ever after, except for Sauron, Saruman, and Gollum, who die. Theoden dies too, but he dies in honor, so it isn't so bad for him. At any rate, the people who live have it all good._

**--THE END-- **

This demented piece of writing brought to you by me, Arenia Nerawen. I do not claim ownership of Lord of the Rings, as it is WAY too amazing for me to have ever thought up. By the way, I only made that disclaimer to satisfy Mr. Tolkien, who is probably rolling in his grave because of the way I abused his characters in this parody thingy. Not that he wasn't already rolling in his grave because of the way I abuse his characters in my Lord of the Rings fanfic. But that is beside the point. Sorry, Mr. Tolkien. I had to do it.


End file.
